


if you bother jumping in

by horchata



Category: Free!
Genre: Drowning, Gen, M/M, Poetry, Post-Apocalypse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-11 16:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horchata/pseuds/horchata
Summary: A collection of standalone poetry.1: souharu, grains of sand in the tide2: makoharu, miles to go3: rinharu, drowning4: matsuoka family, a villanelle for drowned fathers





	1. mandala

**Author's Note:**

  * For [limesicle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/limesicle/gifts), [earlgrey_milktea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgrey_milktea/gifts).



> For the prompt:  
> Sousuke on the beach with Haru's sketchbook.

**mandala**

i.  
haru swims in the open waves in the mornings when the water is still cold  
he takes his jammers, his book, and his boyfriend  
and brings them all to the beach, and leaves the last two on the shore

sousuke is cold, most times, and dries in the salt air  
he doen't know why he comes

 

ii.  
haru is an artist, and everything he does somehow leaves deep impressions  
the weight of the pencil he uses to draw  
the bend in the floor where he stands to cook fish  
the light in rin's eyes when he thinks of the future  
the dip in the bed in sousuke's home

 

iii.  
the book is always next to sousuke, even though haru never brings a pencil  
sousuke figures haru wants him to look at what he's drawn  
so he does

there is almost always water  
there is almost always nature  
and every now and then, the people haru keeps close  
caught with movement and light in graceful strokes true to life

sousuke sees himself, but never quite in full  
a hand, an ankle, a shoulder blade curve  
the surgical scar ghost-grey along the muscle  
in graphite that smudges when he thumbs to turn the page

 

iv.  
he learns about sand drawing somewhat by accident  
caught playing in the silt when haru's feet return to shore  
haru tells him about the art  
pinching circles around the drawing he'd carved with their house keys  
together they make one big circle in the sand  
and together, with flat palms, they smooth it away

 

v.  
sousuke presses his fingers into haru's bones  
his nails into haru's back  
his teeth into the meat of haru's thigh  
anything, anything, to leave a mark that lasts

 

vi.  
sousuke funnels cold dry grains onto the pages

sometimes he is careful, slow, like the sand is pigment in the lines  
and gently he will tip it off and brush away the dust  
so there's no grit to mar the smooth white pulp

but sometimes, more often now, the sand he's used is dark,  
wet piles packed over the drawings, which warp the paper  
and stain the page with moisture  
and sometimes ruin the art

haru frowns those mornings  
he brings the book back every time

 

vii.  
hold still, haru says  
and sousuke pauses, towel on his head  
but stands in the doorway, dripping, and naked 

haru is using a brush pen today  
and sousuke feels something heavy in the air

haru is silent while he works  
the brush is so full of thick black ink  
there is no sound from the paper  
sousuke feels his breathing slow to match  
the heavy thing inside him stills

you're worried about nothing, haru says, eyes on the paper  
I'm happy here, and you are, too  
sousuke doesn't speak at first, but then he says, I am  
and haru smiles at his sketchbook and says, I know  
and sousuke all at once feels nervous  
here in a door in haru's home  
with the steps that lead down to the city and out to the water  
nanase, he says, I want to stay

haru catches sousuke's eyes now  
he has finished his drawing of sousuke's body  
he has finished his drawing without looking once

then stay, haru says  
and sets his brush down

 

viii.  
come look, haru offers, and sousuke goes


	2. miles to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the prompt:  
> haru on the broken roads back to iwatobi with a bloody baseball bat.

**miles to go**

these waves of ours, they ebb and grow--  
your house was in our village though--  
no soul will catch me stopping here   
to watch the ocean's inward flow

any anyone would think it strange  
to know our fears have interchanged;  
you've taken to the sea, my love,  
and me? the land is now my range

curse what we've learned, to our dismay:  
how bodies rise after decay,  
the sounds of buildings crumbling  
from batt'ring floods as walls give way

my heavy feet walk into town  
my unmet promise weighs me down:  
I'll bury you in solid ground  
I'll bury you in solid ground


	3. if you bother jumping in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the prompt:  
> Rin in the ocean with rocks in his pockets.

the water gurgles thick black sludge   
dredging splashing globs of brackish gunk  
from what feels like the warm and twisted depths   
of his mangled guts  
 _not again_ , he garbles  
and retches the rest onto the dock  
until his body's spent  
expelled what saltwater he'd swallowed  
and sobbed the rest in sticky tears

he's there, again  
he's there every time  
and this time his impassive face twitches in rhythm  
to the same annoyed flop of his blue tail in the tide

rin reaches to his slacks and feels the weights  
his sobs heave dry  
it didn't work  
and now fatigue will keep his feet land-bound   
for at least one more night  
 _just let me sink_ , rin says

he stares back   
_next time,_ the mermaid says, perhaps a promise

_next time,_ rin repeats, a relief

he shakes his head  
 _next time,_ the mermaid says,  
 _if you bother jumping in  
mean it_


	4. villanelle for drowned fathers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Villanelle](https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/text/villanelle-poetic-form) written for the prompt:  
>  The Matsuoka house is haunted.

we buried our father and went away  
and turned with our backs to the sea  
it's true that nothing gold can stay  
but when shall we ever be free?  
oh, Rin -- will it be you or me?

we buried our father and went away  
the salt in our bones thickens still  
and the sun doesn't reach our house on the hill  
(it's true that nothing gold can stay)  
the food that we bring in rots to black  
its cold in here, and dark, and damp  
we buried our father and went away  
but something else came back

                                              Rin,  
you placed your medal on his tomb?  
it's true that nothing gold can stay  
but this alone won't sate his ghost  
it's blood from us he craves the most  
we buried our father and went away  
it's true that nothing gold can stay


End file.
